I heard a knock in the form of lies. He was testing me and I was battling with whether or not I was going to answer.
I made a decision in early May to take some time away from leadership duties at church to handle things going on at home and just in my life general. I was beating myself up pretty bad about my lack of friendships, my business that’s going no where, my 10-year old daughter who some may describe as out of control, and my relationship with Christ which seemed cold and distant. I was silently losing my sanity.
I needed a break from everything and since motherhood is not an option and my relationship with Christ is certainly not an option, the only thing left to give up was my leadership position at church.
Seemed easy enough right?
Well not for me. I’m someone who finds my worth in how well I can perform at tasks and jobs given to me. I loved being on the leadership team because I felt a sense of belonging. But I knew if I would be no help to those around me if I didn’t take some time for myself.
That’s when the knocking started.
The enemy did everything to remind me of how much I loved belonging and how I wasn’t going to be loved now. I mean he immediately went in. No warning. One day I was feeling good about my decision, then next day I was beginning to regret my decision.
The enemy began to remind me of past times when I would pull myself away from things and people. How easily my relationships would begin to fade. I started to get worried. A part of me was like okay devil, this is not like past times, but then the other part of me was like what if…
Before I continue.
Let’s think about who the enemy is. He’s a liar. A deceiver. A thief. So anything that he brings our way is going to fall in those categories. Meaning what he says can’t be trusted. So why do we ever believe anything that he says?
Back to my post.
I began to look at the relationships I’ve built. Wondering if they were unbreakable. I remember I just kept wrestling around with my decision.
But after one conversation with a friend- we were going back and forth encouraging each other, affirming each other- that’s when I finally took a stand against the enemies lies.
I said look, if my relationships die because I’m choosing to take a break, then they weren’t real relationships in the first place. Better I find out now rather than later.
I couldn’t continue to allow my abandonment issues to resurface.
So I stuck with my decision and I kept moving. I began to phase myself out of my position, passing things on to the person that would be taking my place. It kinda felt like I was handing over the torch.
I was good. Until….
One Sunday before church, I began to feel far away from the church. Thoughts were flowing. Would I sit in my same seat? Would I interact with everyone the same? Here it goes- Again. Not again.
I thought I had stood up to him. Why was he knocking again?
Because I continue to let him in.
The word tells us not to give the enemy a foothold. Instead we are to resist the devil and he will flee.
Clearly the enemy thought he still had a chance to bring me down, so that’s why he kept right on knocking.
I watched during service, how things I used to do were now being done by others and I proudly clapped because I was so greatly proud but I still couldn’t shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I kept wondering, what would there be for me to do when I ended my hiatus?
There goes the enemy again, feeding me thoughts and lies.
He just doesn’t quit.
There I was sitting after service, praying- the Spirit was thick in that place, I mean God’s presence was there- when my spiritual mother came over and sat down beside me. She prayed and prophesied, encouraged me to confess things on my heart- I mean she went in on my behalf. I was messed up but when she was done with me, the enemies voice was silenced. He was quiet as a mouse.
That was the day I stopped opening the door for the enemy. Anytime he tries to create doubts in my mind about my relationships or anytime he attempts to remind me of my abandonment issues, I remind him, that I am no longer an orphan. I have a father and I am loved by Him immensely. So much so that He adopted me into His family. So there is nothing that you can say that could change that. I mean nothing.
Romans 8 tells me that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, not life nor death. It further tells me that even in calamity, troubles, abandonment, suffering., that He still loves me and that I am victorious.
So what about you? What doors are you still opening for the enemy? What doors do you need to shut?
Be honest with yourself. Then be transparent with the people around you, so that they can provide the help you need to shut the door on the enemy and his lies.